How am I doing....this is the question I get asked daily. How am I doing? Hmmm, good question.
I am doing OK. I suppose maybe better than expected, I am hanging in there. My anniversary is New Years Eve, funny huh? Four years. Why? Seemed like such a perfect date, but now, I don't know. It just rubs it in even more. I remember our wedding, I remember two years of pure happiness, but the other two constantly wondering what was really happening. I spent an entire year picking out my wedding details, now it just seems like nonsense. Is it bad that I still remember it like yesterday, my dress, my cake, my first dance? It has ONLY been four years.
Christmas was great. My family came down, and it really was such a great weekend. However, reality isn't far off in my thoughts. I pray, pray, pray. I am convinced that there must be something out there that is so fabulous, so mind-blowing, because no person should have to go through this. There has to be.....
All I know is that I am thankful. My family, my friends, I couldn't do it without them. Honestly, I don't know what I would do. Right now, I am alone, but i'm OK because I have them. My healthy baby is asleep in her bed, and that is my gift. I am blessed in so many ways, yes, my life is changing, but I am so blessed. Just look at that blue eyed angel, and you will see my joy. But the question remains....how do you heal your heart?
I have been with Clint since I was 18, I am now 27. I don't know why this happened, why people do the things they do, and I could go around and around in my head....but it won't matter. I suppose I will never understand. And truth be told, i've accepted that. All I can do is look towards the future, 2010. It has to be better, it must. I want happiness, a life of love, trust, and no deceit and lies. 2010 has to have it, or at least some sort of sign that it exists. I have faith that it will.
I know my blog is private now, which I hate, but I hope that every one of you had a great holiday. I hope that every day you look at what you have and thank your lucky stars. I certainly do. God is so great. He can work miracles, I am waiting on one, and I know he will show me soon. I wish all of you a blessed, happy 2010. I hope all your resolutions come true and you fulfill all your wishes. I am certainly working on mine!
She makes me smile.
